I want to create something that other people will like.
The spirit wants me to create something that will indirectly cause people to feel fulfillment.
A webcomic or game is a way to escape. They could make people feel happy, but are likely not to cause fulfillment, unless they deal with deep personal issues, and then they might be less fun. Celeste is fun tho.
The programming language may cause people to feel fulfillment, as a result of being able to create. It is the fulfillment that Love2D or Scratch deal with, but I can't do it, despite what the spirit says. There's just not enough time, and, even if I do have time, I waste it trying to run from my emotions and the state of the world.
I can't keep blaming this on my mom's voice. Every time I'm creating something instead of doing work, she'll be all like "you should be doing work instead of creating that thing." I can't do anything with that voice, so it's a spiral of avoiding thought. It's a spiral of avoiding thought with being trans, with paranoia, anxiety, hhhhhhhh
it doesn't help that i'm in college and most of my classes are just computation
like, seriously, i've got one actually challenging class and the rest are hard just because i'm too stuck in avoidance of thoughts to do the homework even though it wouldn't take that long