I want to create something that other people will like.
The spirit wants me to create something that will indirectly cause people to feel fulfillment.
A webcomic or game is a way to escape. They could make people feel happy, but are likely not to cause fulfillment, unless they deal with deep personal issues, and then they might be less fun. Celeste is fun tho.
The programming language may cause people to feel fulfillment, as a result of being able to create. It is the fulfillment that Love2D or Scratch deal with, but I can't do it, despite what the spirit says. There's just not enough time, and, even if I do have time, I waste it trying to run from my emotions and the state of the world.
I can't keep blaming this on my mom's voice. Every time I'm creating something instead of doing work, she'll be all like "you should be doing work instead of creating that thing." I can't do anything with that voice, so it's a spiral of avoiding thought. It's a spiral of avoiding thought with being trans, with paranoia, anxiety, hhhhhhhh
it doesn't help that i'm in college and most of my classes are just computation
like, seriously, i've got one actually challenging class and the rest are hard just because i'm too stuck in avoidance of thoughts to do the homework even though it wouldn't take that long
perhaps you could try making really tiny projects. like, ridiculously comically small. a song that is 1 second long, a webcomic consisting of a single 8x8 pixels panel, a programming language with two instructions total,... whatever. if the project is tiny enough, then by the time the anti-motivational thoughts are able to kick in and say "aha you are Doing things, i don't want you to be Doing things", you've actually already finished the entire project.
the problem with this is finding something small enough that's still somewhat interesting to make, i guess. idk
one thing i have experienced a lot of, and which seems at least slightly similar to what you're describing i think, is like when you're in a sort of vicious cycle of
never doing any homework/schoolwork because you don't feel motivated or whatever
never doing any fun personal projects stuff because "oh i have so much homework i should do that first"
not doing the homework either
spend all day feeling moderately stressed but not doing anything
repeat
i still have no real idea how to deal with this though. one thing that mildly works for me (sometimes) is to plan out, at the start of the day, what i am going to do that day. maybe i will say "today i am going to ignore homework and just try to relax somewhat", and then not worry as much about homework for that day, because today is a Not Doing Homework day, and I Will Think About That Tomorrow. and then that brief reduction of general stress can actually make it easier to get some of the stuff done the day after, since you've had a day of not thinking about it so much.
i have no idea if any of this is actually relevant to anything anyone is saying. maybe i'm just venting
i am currently having a similar problem and haven't really made anything for my site in a few weeks. maybe thinking of a really quick idea and going with that would be good for motivation, seems like good advice
making art (games, comics, software, whatever) will cause fulfillment. good art can cause fulfillment in the people who enjoy it; even if they do not do anything "important", they fill other people's lives with richness and amusement or even just something to talk about. however, even with the absence of an audience, making art is fulfilling to yourself.